I'm having a bit of a dilemma right now. My heart is so incredibly heavy with sadness for something that has happened to a dear friend of mine. So heavy, in fact, that I feel a bit speechless, so I'll try to word this as best I can.
I'm almost at month two of the day we lost dad. It's hard to believe really, because it is still as fresh on my mind as the day it happened. That said, a dear and wonderful friend experienced a similar tragedy at the same time and has since had it happen again. Though I definitely can relate, I can't begin to understand how he is feeling. I do know that when you experience loss, it changes you, maybe a little, or maybe a lot. It's happened to me several times in 24 years and I can pinpoint the ways I've changed each time.
The thing that's made it bearable every single time though, are those that have helped me through it. My family has always been incredible in terms of providing support, but at an age where many of my friends are experiencing their first few years of true adulthood and independence, I have found that my friends who continue to surround me are the ones that are the most uplifting. The friends that realize you don't grieve someone in a couple days or even a couple months are the ones that are truly amazing. I know it is hard to understand certain things until they've happened to you, whether it be disease, loss, heartbreak, addiction, whatever. The amazing thing though, is to have the people around you that possibly don't understand the experience, but just know that it's important to be a friend and supporter. The ones that do this, not just the day and week after, but months and years after are the ones of true character and compassion. They understand that the memory of a loved one or a struggle you've faced never really goes away, no matter how long it's been.
So here's to the friends that God has placed in each of our lives to step in as our family away from home. Here's to the friends that get us, even when we're not ourselves. And here's to the friends that have inspired me to be the type of friend I want to be to others.
"So hold tight, this is not a fair fight..." -The Fray
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
my old friend...
Alright, I've been slacking big time on the blog. I kept making excuses for not writing, like the fact that I had nothing to write about, which may in fact, be true. However, now, I definitely have something to write about after this weekend.
One of my best friends in the entire world got married this weekend. My mom's best friend from high school, Merideth, had a son Drew. Merideth has always been my second mom and Drew has pretty much been the brother I never had. Drew and I grew up together, and when I say grew up together, I mean, we really grew up together. When we were little, Drew, my sister and I were all tossed in the bath tub together and he tattled on me for stuff I didn't do, like a brother would. I remember the day he got his driver's license and asking him to come to my high school homecoming because he was a better dancer than anyone at my school. Drew has meant the world to me my entire life, so when he called and told me he was thinking about proposing to his girlfriend, I jumped into protective mode.
For college, Drew went off to FSU and then moved to DC, so distance prevented me from meeting the girl I'd heard so much about. Then, while I was visiting Atlanta over Christmas two years ago, I finally met Kathy. Wow. I told her the night before their wedding that I could've searched the world over twice and found no one more fitting for Drew than her. The two of them compliment each other as perfectly as a married couple could. They are best friends, share the same values, and they make each other laugh. Did I mention that Kathy also happens to be my second cousin? Long story for another day, but now by marriage, I'm officially related to the guy I've always called my brother.
Drew and Kathy, I love the two of you so much and I couldn't be happier for you. Thank you so much for letting me in to share such a great weekend with you and thank you for sharing your friends! What an incredible and fun group!
"My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again..." -Tim McGraw
One of my best friends in the entire world got married this weekend. My mom's best friend from high school, Merideth, had a son Drew. Merideth has always been my second mom and Drew has pretty much been the brother I never had. Drew and I grew up together, and when I say grew up together, I mean, we really grew up together. When we were little, Drew, my sister and I were all tossed in the bath tub together and he tattled on me for stuff I didn't do, like a brother would. I remember the day he got his driver's license and asking him to come to my high school homecoming because he was a better dancer than anyone at my school. Drew has meant the world to me my entire life, so when he called and told me he was thinking about proposing to his girlfriend, I jumped into protective mode.
For college, Drew went off to FSU and then moved to DC, so distance prevented me from meeting the girl I'd heard so much about. Then, while I was visiting Atlanta over Christmas two years ago, I finally met Kathy. Wow. I told her the night before their wedding that I could've searched the world over twice and found no one more fitting for Drew than her. The two of them compliment each other as perfectly as a married couple could. They are best friends, share the same values, and they make each other laugh. Did I mention that Kathy also happens to be my second cousin? Long story for another day, but now by marriage, I'm officially related to the guy I've always called my brother.
Drew and Kathy, I love the two of you so much and I couldn't be happier for you. Thank you so much for letting me in to share such a great weekend with you and thank you for sharing your friends! What an incredible and fun group!
"My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again..." -Tim McGraw
Thursday, April 1, 2010
love
The last couple weeks I've really been digging into the book of Job. Some might think my reading this book given my circumstances right now makes me a glutton for punishment, and to be honest, I thought so too for a little while. Job is essentially, a book about suffering. This guy loses everything; his family, health, possessions, wealth. You name it, it's gone. Job went from "having everything" in human understanding, to having absolutely nothing.
Now I definitely don't think I've lost everything in the last few weeks. I still miss my dad more every day and then when you add recent events on top of that, you could say that life has been a little frustrating. But then I get home at night and I read about this guy who has suffered some of the toughest circumstances, only to get down his knees and praise God for what he is doing in Job's life. Job took the time to step back and appreciate God's creation, each little thing in it and each tiny blessing that we tend to forget in the busyness of our days. Then, he finds a revelation in everything that most of us are way to distracted to recognize or understand. He realizes it is not all about him, it's about a much bigger plan.
Simple, but pretty intense, right? These tragic, life changing events that come our way effect us, yes. But their purpose may not always be directly related to us. I realize that now more than ever when I see how my dad's family, who has been somewhat broken and in conflict, has come back together to love and support one another. We've started to build relationships again. As hard as it is for me to say, this wouldn't have happened with dad still here. Dad had to be the one taken for these relationships to mend. Losing dad is also helping people that may have never been helped when he was alive, as we decided to receive donations to Wine to Water in lieu of flowers. Enough money has been donated at this point to build four wells in Cambodia. These wells will provide clean water to hundreds of people, thus, saving many of them from life threatening diseases.
Make no mistake, each thing that has come from the passing of dad was in no way coincidental, there was master plan and purpose behind it, and that is what I find comfort in.
"Is it having so little
And yet having it all..." Sugarland
Now I definitely don't think I've lost everything in the last few weeks. I still miss my dad more every day and then when you add recent events on top of that, you could say that life has been a little frustrating. But then I get home at night and I read about this guy who has suffered some of the toughest circumstances, only to get down his knees and praise God for what he is doing in Job's life. Job took the time to step back and appreciate God's creation, each little thing in it and each tiny blessing that we tend to forget in the busyness of our days. Then, he finds a revelation in everything that most of us are way to distracted to recognize or understand. He realizes it is not all about him, it's about a much bigger plan.
Simple, but pretty intense, right? These tragic, life changing events that come our way effect us, yes. But their purpose may not always be directly related to us. I realize that now more than ever when I see how my dad's family, who has been somewhat broken and in conflict, has come back together to love and support one another. We've started to build relationships again. As hard as it is for me to say, this wouldn't have happened with dad still here. Dad had to be the one taken for these relationships to mend. Losing dad is also helping people that may have never been helped when he was alive, as we decided to receive donations to Wine to Water in lieu of flowers. Enough money has been donated at this point to build four wells in Cambodia. These wells will provide clean water to hundreds of people, thus, saving many of them from life threatening diseases.
Make no mistake, each thing that has come from the passing of dad was in no way coincidental, there was master plan and purpose behind it, and that is what I find comfort in.
"Is it having so little
And yet having it all..." Sugarland
Thursday, March 11, 2010
when you come back down
I love to write. Most times, writing brings me great joy and release, however, I'm hoping this time, writing will bring me some understanding and healing. I lost my Dad over a week ago. As I sit here and write this, I'm still having a hard time believing it. Dad fell at his house in Georgia and never regained consciousness.
I am filled with so many emotions right now; regret, devastation and confusion to name a few. The bond between a girl and her dad is a unique one, and one that can't be replaced or duplicated. Growing up, I assumed Dad would be there for all the major events of my adult life and it's hard now for me to imagine those moments without him. Unfortunately our relationship changed over the last few year as he battled different issues. It became me trying to save him and fix him, a process that proved to be painful and hard, but I suppose that's what you do when you love someone.
I've come to the realization now that I have to remember the great things about Dad, the things he taught me, the things he did to make me laugh and the things he did to make me proud. His service was last Monday and it was filled with everyone from his childhood to recent friends. I had the incredible opportunity to speak at his service, a moment I am sure will bring some healing and wanted to share a bit of what I said about him.
Dad always took a genuine interest in what other people were doing- what they were involved in, what their passions were, the things they cared about. For Dad and my sister, Caroline, the interests and passions were often the same- Caroline loves the Gamecocks, she loves sports and she has Dad’s great sense of humor.
For me, the interests weren’t always the same, though I enjoy sports, I wasn’t a great athlete in high school or college, I was a band nerd that enjoyed volunteering and student council. When I got to college, I made the decision to attend Appalachian State over a big SEC school. I took a different path, but it didn’t matter, Dad still cared and he still got involved. He supported it all.
Dad also taught Caroline and I many, many things, the most important being perseverance. This is one of the reasons Romans 5:3-5 has been my favorite passages, because it reminds me of Dad. Dad was resilient and determined. He taught us that if you fail at something once to continue trying, even if it takes you 20 times to get it right.
I think the battles Dad fought made all of us stronger. The night Dad passed away, I opened up A Million Miles and my eyes fell immediately on this passage:
“The story made us different characters than if we’d showed up at the ending an easier way. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they’ve endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives.”
Those battles and struggles pushed all of us and I'm thankful they did, especially for Dad because he's getting to see heaven in a much greater way. And as Coach Richardson said at the service, "he's playing for the BEST team now."
"When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play..." Nickel Creek
I am filled with so many emotions right now; regret, devastation and confusion to name a few. The bond between a girl and her dad is a unique one, and one that can't be replaced or duplicated. Growing up, I assumed Dad would be there for all the major events of my adult life and it's hard now for me to imagine those moments without him. Unfortunately our relationship changed over the last few year as he battled different issues. It became me trying to save him and fix him, a process that proved to be painful and hard, but I suppose that's what you do when you love someone.
I've come to the realization now that I have to remember the great things about Dad, the things he taught me, the things he did to make me laugh and the things he did to make me proud. His service was last Monday and it was filled with everyone from his childhood to recent friends. I had the incredible opportunity to speak at his service, a moment I am sure will bring some healing and wanted to share a bit of what I said about him.
Dad always took a genuine interest in what other people were doing- what they were involved in, what their passions were, the things they cared about. For Dad and my sister, Caroline, the interests and passions were often the same- Caroline loves the Gamecocks, she loves sports and she has Dad’s great sense of humor.
For me, the interests weren’t always the same, though I enjoy sports, I wasn’t a great athlete in high school or college, I was a band nerd that enjoyed volunteering and student council. When I got to college, I made the decision to attend Appalachian State over a big SEC school. I took a different path, but it didn’t matter, Dad still cared and he still got involved. He supported it all.
Dad also taught Caroline and I many, many things, the most important being perseverance. This is one of the reasons Romans 5:3-5 has been my favorite passages, because it reminds me of Dad. Dad was resilient and determined. He taught us that if you fail at something once to continue trying, even if it takes you 20 times to get it right.
I think the battles Dad fought made all of us stronger. The night Dad passed away, I opened up A Million Miles and my eyes fell immediately on this passage:
“The story made us different characters than if we’d showed up at the ending an easier way. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they’ve endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives.”
Those battles and struggles pushed all of us and I'm thankful they did, especially for Dad because he's getting to see heaven in a much greater way. And as Coach Richardson said at the service, "he's playing for the BEST team now."
"When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play..." Nickel Creek
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
ever the same
It's days like this that make me thankful for the people in my life. A VERY early morning, followed by a work day where I couldn't seem to keep my head on straight was ended with a migraine and more tough news from the family.
I'm learning though that in each of these situations, I'm being pushed to understand more about myself and my purpose. I'm finally understanding that this is a continual process and the hits will continue to come. With that said, I'm using this particular post as an opportunity to thank a few people and groups that have really made an impact and taught me something in the last few months. There are many many more of you than what's below, but this particular group really is like family...
Mom and Herb- It's hard to know where to begin, but I do know this. The two of you have taught me what it means to love without question, to always support and to always have hope. You have seen me through so many difficult times and I have learned more just from watching both of you than you will ever realize.
Merp- My second mom. You are always there to back us up and to give great outside perspective. My childhood would not have been the same without you and Drew and Don has been the icing on the cake. I love you guys.
Fowler, Perry, Davis family- I love every minute I get to spend with all of you. You all are definitely the biggest support system I have and I couldn't be happier to have aunts, uncles and cousins like all of you. I really don't know many people that have the great opportunity to be as close with their family and it's truly a blessing to have all of you because you each contribute something different.
The girls and PK- SDC, Kim, Stacie, Amanda... You have been my piece of mind, sanity and comic relief. All of you mean SO much to me and I hope you know that. You have provided me with everything from a hand in moving to a place to live. I really would be homeless without most of you! You are my Boone family and I love ya'll so so very much.
Alumni ladies- What a dynamic and compassionate group of people! Each one of you brings something completely different to the table which is why that office is by far one of the best on campus. You are definitely a part of my Boone family too and I hope to stay in touch with all of you for many many years to come.
Annie and Doc- You have provided me with the opportunity to come home every day with a true feeling of contentment. What you have done in the last few years has literally inspired and changed the lives of so many people and I am so honored to be a part of it. Doc, your passion for others is contagious and has a great impact on the success of the organization. You also have an incredible family and I'm so excited to get to know them more. Annie... seriously, you are superwoman. I wake up every morning excited to come to work with you. Thank you so much for being patient with me, you are a great teacher. And yes, you're both UNBELIEVABLE!
Mary E.- You're an ocean away and I miss you like crazy. Thanks for being my best friend for TEN years!! I'm so excited about your life in London and I appreciate the fact that you continue to make such an effort to keep in touch. Love you and the Claudster tons.
Cornerstone family- Your thoughts, prayers and encouragement have pushed, challenged and forced me to grow more in one year than I have in my entire life. You have had such an incredible impact on my faith and I want you all to know how much you still mean to me. You are an amazing and inspiring group of people and I am blessed to know each one of you.
I'm learning though that in each of these situations, I'm being pushed to understand more about myself and my purpose. I'm finally understanding that this is a continual process and the hits will continue to come. With that said, I'm using this particular post as an opportunity to thank a few people and groups that have really made an impact and taught me something in the last few months. There are many many more of you than what's below, but this particular group really is like family...
Mom and Herb- It's hard to know where to begin, but I do know this. The two of you have taught me what it means to love without question, to always support and to always have hope. You have seen me through so many difficult times and I have learned more just from watching both of you than you will ever realize.
Merp- My second mom. You are always there to back us up and to give great outside perspective. My childhood would not have been the same without you and Drew and Don has been the icing on the cake. I love you guys.
Fowler, Perry, Davis family- I love every minute I get to spend with all of you. You all are definitely the biggest support system I have and I couldn't be happier to have aunts, uncles and cousins like all of you. I really don't know many people that have the great opportunity to be as close with their family and it's truly a blessing to have all of you because you each contribute something different.
The girls and PK- SDC, Kim, Stacie, Amanda... You have been my piece of mind, sanity and comic relief. All of you mean SO much to me and I hope you know that. You have provided me with everything from a hand in moving to a place to live. I really would be homeless without most of you! You are my Boone family and I love ya'll so so very much.
Alumni ladies- What a dynamic and compassionate group of people! Each one of you brings something completely different to the table which is why that office is by far one of the best on campus. You are definitely a part of my Boone family too and I hope to stay in touch with all of you for many many years to come.
Annie and Doc- You have provided me with the opportunity to come home every day with a true feeling of contentment. What you have done in the last few years has literally inspired and changed the lives of so many people and I am so honored to be a part of it. Doc, your passion for others is contagious and has a great impact on the success of the organization. You also have an incredible family and I'm so excited to get to know them more. Annie... seriously, you are superwoman. I wake up every morning excited to come to work with you. Thank you so much for being patient with me, you are a great teacher. And yes, you're both UNBELIEVABLE!
Mary E.- You're an ocean away and I miss you like crazy. Thanks for being my best friend for TEN years!! I'm so excited about your life in London and I appreciate the fact that you continue to make such an effort to keep in touch. Love you and the Claudster tons.
Cornerstone family- Your thoughts, prayers and encouragement have pushed, challenged and forced me to grow more in one year than I have in my entire life. You have had such an incredible impact on my faith and I want you all to know how much you still mean to me. You are an amazing and inspiring group of people and I am blessed to know each one of you.
Monday, February 15, 2010
walk down this mountain
Alright, I know I've referenced A Million Miles probably one too many times, but I won't apologize, it's incredible. I actually finished the book, but have since gone back through in an attempt to really take note of the parts that had an impact on me. There's on paragraph toward the end of the book that I found to really speak to some of the struggles I witness too much in those close to me.
"I don't ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thought would risk their hopes on living a good story - by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause, and joining them. I think they'd be surprised at how soon their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason than they didn't have time to think them anymore. There would be too much work to do, too many scenes to write."
Now, I don't struggle with dark thoughts or depression on a daily basis, but I think we all have those moments were it seems the world is against us and we can't seem to reach the surface or break even. I've also experienced how devastating depression can be second-hand by walking through it with others. It is a struggle and a fight every day for those that suffer from it. However, I think setting your mind to do satisfying work really is half the battle. When I think of the people in my life who are sad and unsatisfied a majority of the time, I realize that these people's lives would radically alter if they would focus on something outside of and bigger than themselves. I'm not saying everyone should quit their job or move or end relationships, I am saying that finding something everyday that gives you purpose, reason, happiness is ESSENTIAL. In fact, I'm willing to bet that most people get more gratification out of doing one small act of kindness every day for a complete stranger than they do when they open their paycheck at the end of the month. If you're saying, "No, I like the paycheck," then I strongly encourage you to step back and take a look at what's really important in your life. That said, find that little piece of happiness or gratification in something bigger than you or what's immediately around you, and invest enough of yourself in it so that you have "too many scenes to write."
"If a blistered hand is what you've given, then you've been given all you'll ever need to know..." Bebo Norman
"I don't ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thought would risk their hopes on living a good story - by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause, and joining them. I think they'd be surprised at how soon their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason than they didn't have time to think them anymore. There would be too much work to do, too many scenes to write."
Now, I don't struggle with dark thoughts or depression on a daily basis, but I think we all have those moments were it seems the world is against us and we can't seem to reach the surface or break even. I've also experienced how devastating depression can be second-hand by walking through it with others. It is a struggle and a fight every day for those that suffer from it. However, I think setting your mind to do satisfying work really is half the battle. When I think of the people in my life who are sad and unsatisfied a majority of the time, I realize that these people's lives would radically alter if they would focus on something outside of and bigger than themselves. I'm not saying everyone should quit their job or move or end relationships, I am saying that finding something everyday that gives you purpose, reason, happiness is ESSENTIAL. In fact, I'm willing to bet that most people get more gratification out of doing one small act of kindness every day for a complete stranger than they do when they open their paycheck at the end of the month. If you're saying, "No, I like the paycheck," then I strongly encourage you to step back and take a look at what's really important in your life. That said, find that little piece of happiness or gratification in something bigger than you or what's immediately around you, and invest enough of yourself in it so that you have "too many scenes to write."
"If a blistered hand is what you've given, then you've been given all you'll ever need to know..." Bebo Norman
Friday, February 12, 2010
fire and rain
Yesterday was in fact, a great day. Because of our nice little blizzard, I got to sleep in, drink and entire pot of coffee and then go in to a job that I absolutely love more and more every day. I came home for a low key night with my roommate because I've been feeling a little under the weather. I was seriously having one of those moments where I thought, "It doesn't get much better than this."
Granted, it was a simple, normal day, nothing notably different than any other, but I appreciated that about it. I then got a phone call late last night that turned that around a little. I won't go into detail, but I received some very sad and disheartening news, news I had also been expecting for the last few months. Needless to say, I lost a lot of sleep last night, not because I was necessarily upset, but because I was trying to make sense of it all.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend just earlier that day. He asked me why Romans 5:3-5 was one of my favorite passages of scripture. I told him that I found this passage to be a great reminder that no matter how difficult our suffering or pain, we have to trust that God is producing something great out of us. Often times, we won't know what that is until long after the fact, but it is always part of his plan and that in itself is comfort to me. And in case you aren't familiar, may I introduce you to Romans 5:3-5...
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
So, I'll approach today with purpose, knowing that I don't need to make sense of things right now, but trusting that they're happening to produce something within me, and perhaps within the person that they impacted even more than me.
"Ask me now I'll give you the reasons my love with not fade, through the fire and rain..." -Mat Kearney
Granted, it was a simple, normal day, nothing notably different than any other, but I appreciated that about it. I then got a phone call late last night that turned that around a little. I won't go into detail, but I received some very sad and disheartening news, news I had also been expecting for the last few months. Needless to say, I lost a lot of sleep last night, not because I was necessarily upset, but because I was trying to make sense of it all.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend just earlier that day. He asked me why Romans 5:3-5 was one of my favorite passages of scripture. I told him that I found this passage to be a great reminder that no matter how difficult our suffering or pain, we have to trust that God is producing something great out of us. Often times, we won't know what that is until long after the fact, but it is always part of his plan and that in itself is comfort to me. And in case you aren't familiar, may I introduce you to Romans 5:3-5...
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
So, I'll approach today with purpose, knowing that I don't need to make sense of things right now, but trusting that they're happening to produce something within me, and perhaps within the person that they impacted even more than me.
"Ask me now I'll give you the reasons my love with not fade, through the fire and rain..." -Mat Kearney
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