I hit a wall today. I'm exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am tired of being strong, I'm tired of being the support, I'm tired of being responsible and I am completely heartbroken. I miss my dad so much it hurts. I've picked up my phone twice to call him today to talk baseball and life and each time it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to get past this point now and I feel stuck.
Grief is a funny thing. It's so necessary to have closure, but it's so difficult, that I have actually avoided it with everything in me. I have fought actually having to deal with loss, so that I could pretend like it didn't happen. If you know me really well, you know that the last few months I've kept myself pretty busy, to the point where I haven't been in Boone for a weekend in months. It's fine to keep yourself occupied, I suppose, but not when you do it to avoid something. I know I need to face this, even if I don't want to. I think that need to avoid it comes purely from fear, which becomes overwhelming.
I thought about fear a lot today and how it can affect our approach to relationships, experiences, and life in general. This made me think about one of my favorite verses in 2 Timothy-
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind."
Fear is an awful and powerful thing when it hinders us in so many aspects of life, which made me think. We weren't created to be fearful, at least not of life and opportunities and relationships and even tragedy. As difficult as it is, tragedy is a part of life and we must approach it with courage and a sense of peace, otherwise, we might as well give up the fight now. I hope and pray that I can do this bravely and willingly.
"So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide..." -Jars of Clay